Chase has been traveling back and forth from Kansas City since November of last year. It's been exciting to see him start a new job with more responsibilities, and an opportunity to start something from the ground up, to really create a process, a way of doing things for a large company. But not having him here is awful. Just truly the WORST. So being the introspective, analytical, soul-searching person that I am, I've spent a fair amount of time thinking "why."
"Why did I think this was a good idea?"
"Why does this seem to harder for me than for him?"
"Why do my circumstances have such an impact on my level of contentment?"
"Why do I have a hard time making the best of less than ideal circumstances?"
"Why am I not eating ice cream at this very instance?"
And a sprinkling of "what," "when," and "how" questions as well.
"What happened to my ability to take care of all my own responsibilities?"
"How is it possible I survived this vile life before Chase?"
"What am I supposed to do with all this time when I'm not sleeping or working?"
"When is this misery going to end?"
On the other hand, I've really enjoyed having everything exactly where I want it. Not that Chase is a hard person to live with. Far from it. I'm pretty sure he's the most easy-going person who can still maintain paid employment (with a 401k) that I've ever met. What I've been exposed to in this period of separation, togetherness, repeat - is that I have a hard time living with other people. And a seriously hard time living without Chase. Once you've tasted the forbidden fruit of Chase's sweet love, there's just no doing without. And I'm not talking of physical love when I say "forbidden fruit," so get your minds out of the gutter. I'm talking about how he expresses his love with words, thoughtfulness, care, and everything else that is so good, it must be forbidden to mere mortals.
So if he's so good to me, then how do I measure up? Do I take care of him like he does me? Am I supposed to care for him exactly like he does me? Then I realize that sometimes I take better care of myself when he's not here than I do of him when he's here. And that's pretty shameful. So then I don't take care of myself at all so that that ugly truth won't be realized. But since I love myself and see the folly of neglecting oneself, I snap out of it and rise to the occasion. I go grocery shopping for healthy-ish food and I make dinner, pack lunches, and make sure there's something for breakfast. I take Rosie up to the park to walk and bask in the awesomeness that is Virginia in the summer. I indulge myself in books and get whisked away to far off places, far off times, and far off realities. But what I've been struggling to do is be social. I just have all kinds of hang ups and things that appear to resemble introverts, so that's my excuse. But when I reflect on what I do for myself when Chase isn't here, I realize that I sometimes avoid doing those things for Chase/us when he is here. Like cooking dinner. Which is really weird. Like I said, hang-ups.
So, slowly, ever so slowly, I've been trying to make adjustments and better myself so that when he is here, I am that person who takes care of herself/us. I just struggle so much with needing/wanting to be taken care of that I don't do a whole lot of the caring for him, I suspect. And then I think, we just need a big ole pile of money because I feel like all my hang-ups wouldn't matter anymore if I could employ a butler, cook, and maid. Hmmmm, realization #1478394 just popped in my head - it would seem I shy away from domestics... which would fit my nomadic inclinations wonderfully. I just need to pack it all in and get to traveling. You don't have to dust what you don't own! See what I did there? Problem solving with fantasy. It seems so logical and perfect until you scratch the surface.
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